Day 01 - Your Favourite Song

I don't know that there is a song that I can call my absolute favourite - that changes with my mood - but this is one song that I have loved since the first time I heard it. I've been a fan of his ever since. 

A Criminal Mind - Gowan

The 30 Day Song Challenge

Clearly, I'm not that good at posting on my blog unless I have something specific to do. With that in mind I'm taking the 30 Day Song Challenge.

30 Day Song Challenge - Rules

day 01 - your favorite song

day 02 - your least favorite song
day 03 - a song that makes you happy
day 04 - a song that makes you sad
day 05 - a song that reminds you of someone
day 06 - a song that reminds you of somewhere
day 07 - a song that reminds you of a certain event
day 08 - a song that you know all the words to
day 09 - a song that you can dance to
day 10 - a song that makes you fall asleep
day 11 - a song from your favorite band
day 12 - a song from a band you hate
day 13 - a song that is a guilty pleasure
day 14 - a song that no one would expect you to love
day 15 - a song that describes you
day 16 - a song that you used to love but now hate
day 17 - a song that you hear often on the radio
day 18 - a song that you wish you heard on the radio
day 19 - a song from your favorite album
day 20 - a song that you listen to when you’re angry
day 21 - a song that you listen to when you’re happy
day 22 - a song that you listen to when you’re sad
day 23 - a song that you want to play at your wedding
day 24 - a song that you want to play at your funeral
day 25 - a song that makes you laugh
day 26 - a song that you can play on an instrument
day 27 - a song that you wish you could play
day 28 - a song that makes you feel guilty
day 29 - a song from your childhood

day 30 - your favorite song at this time last year

Not Ready to Fly

It has become abundantly clear that the members of my "wellness" team are not communicating. The rehab coordinator continues to push me to job search - despite telling me early on in the process that she wouldn't push until I had been cleared by my psychiatrist. Not only has she done up my resume for me, she has been sending me job postings and now wants me to attend an interview preparation workshop (and confirm with her the date and time of the workshop I am attending), keep her appraised of the employers I have applied to, and she wanted me to attend a job fair that was happening today. Enter the panic attacks. I managed to calm myself a little bit by resolving that there was no way she could force me to attend the job fair and I resolved not to go.

Now, note that she had said she wouldn't push until I was cleared by my psychiatrist. The opinion of my psychiatrist is that there is no way I could handle full time employment right now. Even if I did have a job waiting, I would have to start with one half day a week and slowly work my way up to part time and eventually full time employment. He also advised me that - since I don't enjoy bookkeeping - I should change my career path to something I enjoy. The problem there is that the insurance company doesn't agree because bookkeeping is a marketable skill. Well, so is cooking, but I can't do that for a living anymore either.

So, where does that leave me? It leaves me with a rehab coordinator who I now feel I can't trust because she is less concerned with my mental health than with getting me back to work and a growing resentment at having to justify my existence to her. It also leaves me hoping that my psychiatrist is looking out for my best interests, since he is the only one not being paid by the insurance company.

I know there is the theory that if you push the baby bird out of the nest it will automatically start to fly. The problem is that if that bird is not ready to fly, it will very likely fall down, break it's neck and get eaten by the neighbourhood cats. I'm just saying ... I'm not ready to fly.

My How Times Have Changed

I'm slowly working on setting up a studio/workshop in my basement. This has me sorting through many boxes of what turns out to be mostly books. While doing so today, I happened upon my "School Days" book which contains my report cards from first grade all the way through high school. Curiosity got the better of me and I sat down and looked through them all.

This is when I realized just how much times have really changed. If I were a child in school these days, I would most certainly have been diagnosed with ADD and - most likely - Aspergers Syndrome. Notice I didn't say ADHD ... I have never been what could ever be labelled as "hyperactive". I lost count of the number of times the following descriptions of me were made: needs to concentrate, often day dreams, extremely quiet, prefers to work alone, will work with others if she has to, doesn't participate in class discussions. Of course, back then no one knew anything about learning disabilities and the fact that I moved so often that I was always the new kid in school also made a difference in how I was observed.

I've previously stated that I have a genius IQ and I do. I excel in abstract reasoning, mechanical reasoning and spatial relationships. My weaknesses are in language and  numbers - the exact things they judge you on in school. In reading my report cards I noticed how many times I came close to failing math. Ironically, the profession I worked in for many years and the profession the insurance company expects me to return to is accounting - a rather math heavy occupation. Something just isn't quite logical there, is it?

By the way, Mrs. M (my 9th grade typing teacher), it doesn't matter how many times you put that damn piece of paper over my hands. It's been 32 years and I STILL look at the keys quite often. :p

Mental Illness Doesn't Have a Timetable

My insurance company and rehab coordinator have decided that – according to their schedules – it is time to start “preparing me for job hunting”. That's the phrase they use, but I was left with booklets on advance job hunting techniques and my rehab coordinator did up a general resume for me and emailed it to me. This feels more like pushing to me. I reminded my coordinator that I am not mentally in a place where I can consider looking for work; I'm just not ready. She assured me that this is just to “prepare” me and asked me to review interview techniques, etc.

I tried. I opened the booklets and tried perusing them, but my brain is screaming “la la la la la, I can't hear you!” Anxiety and stress are major factors in current disability and this just increased my anxiety levels tenfold. PTSD, depression and anxiety disorders are all mental illnesses. Unlike broken bones or other physical injuries, there is no timetable for recovery. You can't just look at a calendar and assume that in “x” number of weeks I should be job hunting and back in the workforce. I'm undergoing psychotherapy and physiotherapy; I'm cooperating and jumping through all the required hoops which is stressful enough.

When will I be ready? I don't know. I'll be ready when I'm ready ... if ever. I still consider my disability to be temporary, but it's not unusual for someone in my condition to be permanently disabled. All I know is that if they push me back before I am ready it may very well backfire and result in permanent disability. I don't think anybody really wants that.

Day 30 – A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

Dear Ophelia,

There are so many things that I love about you.

• You are extremely intelligent. You have a genius IQ yet you treat everyone as though they are just as intelligent as you are.
• You are creative in so many ways. You can do all kinds of arts and crafts. You are able to envision something and then make it real. You see beauty everywhere which is truly a gift.
• You are in many ways very naive and idealistic. You choose to trust people until they prove themselves unworthy of your trust. You truly want to believe that people are good and that everyone should be treated equally. You see people as people and treat everyone the same regardless of whether or not they have fame and/or fortune.
• You have a quick wit and a great sense of humour. You even have the ability to laugh in your darkest hours.
• You are very compassionate. When a friend was diagnosed with cancer and faced losing her hair, you chose to shave your head with her so that she wouldn't have to go through it alone. You remembered how difficult it was for your mother when she lost her hair (back in the days when people with cancer were shunned rather than embraced). When friends are having problems and need a shoulder to lean on or a hug, you are the first one there with open arms.
• You are very determined. No matter what you do you give it all you've got and you refuse to be defeated. Yes, you are going through a rough patch right now, but you've only lost a battle. You will not lose the war.
• You think for yourself. You don't blindly follow anyone. You are constantly questioning things. When others are getting upset and outraged about something they've hear, you ask yourself if it's really true and set out to find the truth.
• I love your vulnerability. You live with your heart wide open even though you know you can get hurt that way. You grew up having to hide your fears and decided that was no way to live. You experience emotions to their fullest. Yes, that means you feel pain that is devastating; but, you also feel love that can be stronger and more overwhelming than many people could imagine. Your courage to be open and honest about your struggles has given others the courage to get help.
• You are authentically you. You dance to the beat of your own drum and let your freak flag fly. You don't pretend to be something you're not just to fit in. You know that you are different and you embrace it fully.

There is so much more to love about you, but it's not coming to mind right now. You are a beautiful freak of nature. Celebrate it. There will never be another you and I love you.

Day 29 – Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.

I hope to gain back the healthy self-esteem I used to have. I know it's still in me somewhere; it's just been beaten into hiding by the events of the past couple of years. I want to regain the strength and confidence I used to have and show the world – and especially those bullies – that nothing can keep me down for long. I will not be defeated.

Day 28 – What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?

The odds against that happening are astronomical and I have never wanted to have children. If I were to get pregnant, the universe would obviously be insisting that that particular child needed to be born. Yes, I would have the child and I'm sure that during the pregnancy I would learn to love it with all my heart.

Day 27 – What’s the best thing going for you right now?

The best thing I have going for me right now is that I have people who love and support me and people who are helping get my life back on track. I'm undergoing both psychotherapy and physiotherapy. My friends and family are behind me in my efforts to get better. The people who love me the most support my choice to change career tracks and possibly start a home-based arts and crafts business.

Day 26 – Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?

When a you first try to get help for depression, every mental health professional will ask the same four questions. The reason I've never been hospitalized for depression is the way I've answered these questions:

1. Do you abuse alcohol? No.
2. Do you abuse drugs? No.
3. Do you feel the need to hurt someone? There are a few people I would really like to bitch-slap, but do I feel the need to excercise a little "population control"? No.
4. Have you had thoughts of suicide? Here's were I make them be more specific.
• Have I thought about suicide? Yes, I have thought about the concept of suicide and I can completely understand why some people choose to take their own lives.
• Have I thought about committing suicide myself? No and there are two reasons why I couldn't do that.
• Reason number one is that I couldn't hurt the people who love me like that.
• Reason number two is the people who have tormented me during my life. To commit suicide would be allowing them to defeat me and I simply cannot allow that to happen; I must stay alive even if it is just out of spite.

Day 25 – The reason you believe you’re still alive today.

There are a few reasons why I'm still alive today. One reason is my stubborn refusal to be defeated … but I will go into that more on the next post.

I believe I'm still alive today because I haven't finished what I came here to do in this life. What might that be? I'm not entirely sure. I do know that as I walk along the path of this life I am constantly changing, growing, and learning. Perhaps I need to stop trying to live life as society wants me to and learn to live a life of creativity. I have to learn to trust my instincts.

Day 24 – Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs.

I decided to do a playlist for my best friend, Cindy. I struggled a little with this one. So many of the songs that I would have chosen made it sound like we are romantically involved, which we are not. I know that society all too often doesn't understand that soulmates are not necessarily lovers and that emotional intimacy is possible without sex. Rather than explaining why I chose these two particular songs, I thought I'd let their lyrics speak for themselves.

You're My Best Friend – Queen

You're the best friend

that I've ever had

I've been with you such a long time

You're my sunshine

and I want you to know

that my feelings are true

I really love you

you're my best friend

Thank You for Being a Friend – Andrew Gold

… and when we both get older

with walking canes and hair of grey

have no fear even though it's hard to hear

I will stand real close and say

Thank you for being a friend.