Not Ready to Fly

It has become abundantly clear that the members of my "wellness" team are not communicating. The rehab coordinator continues to push me to job search - despite telling me early on in the process that she wouldn't push until I had been cleared by my psychiatrist. Not only has she done up my resume for me, she has been sending me job postings and now wants me to attend an interview preparation workshop (and confirm with her the date and time of the workshop I am attending), keep her appraised of the employers I have applied to, and she wanted me to attend a job fair that was happening today. Enter the panic attacks. I managed to calm myself a little bit by resolving that there was no way she could force me to attend the job fair and I resolved not to go.

Now, note that she had said she wouldn't push until I was cleared by my psychiatrist. The opinion of my psychiatrist is that there is no way I could handle full time employment right now. Even if I did have a job waiting, I would have to start with one half day a week and slowly work my way up to part time and eventually full time employment. He also advised me that - since I don't enjoy bookkeeping - I should change my career path to something I enjoy. The problem there is that the insurance company doesn't agree because bookkeeping is a marketable skill. Well, so is cooking, but I can't do that for a living anymore either.

So, where does that leave me? It leaves me with a rehab coordinator who I now feel I can't trust because she is less concerned with my mental health than with getting me back to work and a growing resentment at having to justify my existence to her. It also leaves me hoping that my psychiatrist is looking out for my best interests, since he is the only one not being paid by the insurance company.

I know there is the theory that if you push the baby bird out of the nest it will automatically start to fly. The problem is that if that bird is not ready to fly, it will very likely fall down, break it's neck and get eaten by the neighbourhood cats. I'm just saying ... I'm not ready to fly.