Day 29 – Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.

I hope to gain back the healthy self-esteem I used to have. I know it's still in me somewhere; it's just been beaten into hiding by the events of the past couple of years. I want to regain the strength and confidence I used to have and show the world – and especially those bullies – that nothing can keep me down for long. I will not be defeated.

Day 28 – What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?

The odds against that happening are astronomical and I have never wanted to have children. If I were to get pregnant, the universe would obviously be insisting that that particular child needed to be born. Yes, I would have the child and I'm sure that during the pregnancy I would learn to love it with all my heart.

Day 27 – What’s the best thing going for you right now?

The best thing I have going for me right now is that I have people who love and support me and people who are helping get my life back on track. I'm undergoing both psychotherapy and physiotherapy. My friends and family are behind me in my efforts to get better. The people who love me the most support my choice to change career tracks and possibly start a home-based arts and crafts business.

Day 26 – Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?

When a you first try to get help for depression, every mental health professional will ask the same four questions. The reason I've never been hospitalized for depression is the way I've answered these questions:

1. Do you abuse alcohol? No.
2. Do you abuse drugs? No.
3. Do you feel the need to hurt someone? There are a few people I would really like to bitch-slap, but do I feel the need to excercise a little "population control"? No.
4. Have you had thoughts of suicide? Here's were I make them be more specific.
• Have I thought about suicide? Yes, I have thought about the concept of suicide and I can completely understand why some people choose to take their own lives.
• Have I thought about committing suicide myself? No and there are two reasons why I couldn't do that.
• Reason number one is that I couldn't hurt the people who love me like that.
• Reason number two is the people who have tormented me during my life. To commit suicide would be allowing them to defeat me and I simply cannot allow that to happen; I must stay alive even if it is just out of spite.

Day 25 – The reason you believe you’re still alive today.

There are a few reasons why I'm still alive today. One reason is my stubborn refusal to be defeated … but I will go into that more on the next post.

I believe I'm still alive today because I haven't finished what I came here to do in this life. What might that be? I'm not entirely sure. I do know that as I walk along the path of this life I am constantly changing, growing, and learning. Perhaps I need to stop trying to live life as society wants me to and learn to live a life of creativity. I have to learn to trust my instincts.

Day 24 – Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs.

I decided to do a playlist for my best friend, Cindy. I struggled a little with this one. So many of the songs that I would have chosen made it sound like we are romantically involved, which we are not. I know that society all too often doesn't understand that soulmates are not necessarily lovers and that emotional intimacy is possible without sex. Rather than explaining why I chose these two particular songs, I thought I'd let their lyrics speak for themselves.

You're My Best Friend – Queen

You're the best friend

that I've ever had

I've been with you such a long time

You're my sunshine

and I want you to know

that my feelings are true

I really love you

you're my best friend

Thank You for Being a Friend – Andrew Gold

… and when we both get older

with walking canes and hair of grey

have no fear even though it's hard to hear

I will stand real close and say

Thank you for being a friend.

Day 23 – Something you wish you had done in your life.

I wish I had stayed in closer contact with my sister, Melody. That's something I cannot change and now it is too late. She died earlier this year from a flesh eating bacteria. It was just days after her 51^st birthday. It still tears my heart out knowing that I will not be able to see or speak to her again for the rest of this lifetime.

For the record, I'm not very close to my siblings (I still have a sister and brother who are alive) and we are very different people. It should also be noted that they haven't tried very hard to remain in contact with me. So why should it bother me that I lost that particular sister? That's easy. Melody accepted me for who I am. She didn't judge me or try to change me. Sure, she would challenge me, but only to be the best me I could be. I will always love her for that.