Mental Illness Doesn't Have a Timetable

My insurance company and rehab coordinator have decided that – according to their schedules – it is time to start “preparing me for job hunting”. That's the phrase they use, but I was left with booklets on advance job hunting techniques and my rehab coordinator did up a general resume for me and emailed it to me. This feels more like pushing to me. I reminded my coordinator that I am not mentally in a place where I can consider looking for work; I'm just not ready. She assured me that this is just to “prepare” me and asked me to review interview techniques, etc.

I tried. I opened the booklets and tried perusing them, but my brain is screaming “la la la la la, I can't hear you!” Anxiety and stress are major factors in current disability and this just increased my anxiety levels tenfold. PTSD, depression and anxiety disorders are all mental illnesses. Unlike broken bones or other physical injuries, there is no timetable for recovery. You can't just look at a calendar and assume that in “x” number of weeks I should be job hunting and back in the workforce. I'm undergoing psychotherapy and physiotherapy; I'm cooperating and jumping through all the required hoops which is stressful enough.

When will I be ready? I don't know. I'll be ready when I'm ready ... if ever. I still consider my disability to be temporary, but it's not unusual for someone in my condition to be permanently disabled. All I know is that if they push me back before I am ready it may very well backfire and result in permanent disability. I don't think anybody really wants that.

Day 30 – A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

Dear Ophelia,

There are so many things that I love about you.

• You are extremely intelligent. You have a genius IQ yet you treat everyone as though they are just as intelligent as you are.
• You are creative in so many ways. You can do all kinds of arts and crafts. You are able to envision something and then make it real. You see beauty everywhere which is truly a gift.
• You are in many ways very naive and idealistic. You choose to trust people until they prove themselves unworthy of your trust. You truly want to believe that people are good and that everyone should be treated equally. You see people as people and treat everyone the same regardless of whether or not they have fame and/or fortune.
• You have a quick wit and a great sense of humour. You even have the ability to laugh in your darkest hours.
• You are very compassionate. When a friend was diagnosed with cancer and faced losing her hair, you chose to shave your head with her so that she wouldn't have to go through it alone. You remembered how difficult it was for your mother when she lost her hair (back in the days when people with cancer were shunned rather than embraced). When friends are having problems and need a shoulder to lean on or a hug, you are the first one there with open arms.
• You are very determined. No matter what you do you give it all you've got and you refuse to be defeated. Yes, you are going through a rough patch right now, but you've only lost a battle. You will not lose the war.
• You think for yourself. You don't blindly follow anyone. You are constantly questioning things. When others are getting upset and outraged about something they've hear, you ask yourself if it's really true and set out to find the truth.
• I love your vulnerability. You live with your heart wide open even though you know you can get hurt that way. You grew up having to hide your fears and decided that was no way to live. You experience emotions to their fullest. Yes, that means you feel pain that is devastating; but, you also feel love that can be stronger and more overwhelming than many people could imagine. Your courage to be open and honest about your struggles has given others the courage to get help.
• You are authentically you. You dance to the beat of your own drum and let your freak flag fly. You don't pretend to be something you're not just to fit in. You know that you are different and you embrace it fully.

There is so much more to love about you, but it's not coming to mind right now. You are a beautiful freak of nature. Celebrate it. There will never be another you and I love you.

Day 29 – Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.

I hope to gain back the healthy self-esteem I used to have. I know it's still in me somewhere; it's just been beaten into hiding by the events of the past couple of years. I want to regain the strength and confidence I used to have and show the world – and especially those bullies – that nothing can keep me down for long. I will not be defeated.

Day 28 – What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?

The odds against that happening are astronomical and I have never wanted to have children. If I were to get pregnant, the universe would obviously be insisting that that particular child needed to be born. Yes, I would have the child and I'm sure that during the pregnancy I would learn to love it with all my heart.

Day 27 – What’s the best thing going for you right now?

The best thing I have going for me right now is that I have people who love and support me and people who are helping get my life back on track. I'm undergoing both psychotherapy and physiotherapy. My friends and family are behind me in my efforts to get better. The people who love me the most support my choice to change career tracks and possibly start a home-based arts and crafts business.

Day 26 – Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?

When a you first try to get help for depression, every mental health professional will ask the same four questions. The reason I've never been hospitalized for depression is the way I've answered these questions:

1. Do you abuse alcohol? No.
2. Do you abuse drugs? No.
3. Do you feel the need to hurt someone? There are a few people I would really like to bitch-slap, but do I feel the need to excercise a little "population control"? No.
4. Have you had thoughts of suicide? Here's were I make them be more specific.
• Have I thought about suicide? Yes, I have thought about the concept of suicide and I can completely understand why some people choose to take their own lives.
• Have I thought about committing suicide myself? No and there are two reasons why I couldn't do that.
• Reason number one is that I couldn't hurt the people who love me like that.
• Reason number two is the people who have tormented me during my life. To commit suicide would be allowing them to defeat me and I simply cannot allow that to happen; I must stay alive even if it is just out of spite.

Day 25 – The reason you believe you’re still alive today.

There are a few reasons why I'm still alive today. One reason is my stubborn refusal to be defeated … but I will go into that more on the next post.

I believe I'm still alive today because I haven't finished what I came here to do in this life. What might that be? I'm not entirely sure. I do know that as I walk along the path of this life I am constantly changing, growing, and learning. Perhaps I need to stop trying to live life as society wants me to and learn to live a life of creativity. I have to learn to trust my instincts.

Day 24 – Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs.

I decided to do a playlist for my best friend, Cindy. I struggled a little with this one. So many of the songs that I would have chosen made it sound like we are romantically involved, which we are not. I know that society all too often doesn't understand that soulmates are not necessarily lovers and that emotional intimacy is possible without sex. Rather than explaining why I chose these two particular songs, I thought I'd let their lyrics speak for themselves.

You're My Best Friend – Queen

You're the best friend

that I've ever had

I've been with you such a long time

You're my sunshine

and I want you to know

that my feelings are true

I really love you

you're my best friend

Thank You for Being a Friend – Andrew Gold

… and when we both get older

with walking canes and hair of grey

have no fear even though it's hard to hear

I will stand real close and say

Thank you for being a friend.