Day 01 – Something you hate about yourself.

Just one thing? Unfortunately, while I'm in the severely depressed state I'm in, there is no shortage of self-loathing. I hate that I have become so dependent on others, I hate that I have become the victim in my own life, and I hate that I have allowed myself to get to this state. Hopefully, these things are just temporary.

For the long term, there are two things I hate about myself.

1. My borderline phobic relationship with telephones. It's not that I can't use them, I can make a call if I really need to and I can answer the phone when I have to. It's just for some reason I have to psych myself up and force myself to make phone calls. Somehow, it's incredibly difficult for me to communicate in this manner. I've tried working as a telemarketer and as a receptionist in an effort to dispel my issues with the telephone; somehow, the issue still remains. I don't really understand it and I don't imagine that I ever will.

2. I hate that I am not assertive enough. Despite all my wisecracking and false bravado, I'm a doormat. I don't stand up for myself the way I should. This has, unfortunately, made me a bully magnet. The rare time I do try and stand up for myself or defend myself, I get accused of being a bully myself … usually by the people who are bullying me. I'm working on becoming more assertive but you can't change a lifetime of conditioning overnight.

How's that for honesty?