Day 23 – Something you wish you had done in your life.

I wish I had stayed in closer contact with my sister, Melody. That's something I cannot change and now it is too late. She died earlier this year from a flesh eating bacteria. It was just days after her 51^st birthday. It still tears my heart out knowing that I will not be able to see or speak to her again for the rest of this lifetime.

For the record, I'm not very close to my siblings (I still have a sister and brother who are alive) and we are very different people. It should also be noted that they haven't tried very hard to remain in contact with me. So why should it bother me that I lost that particular sister? That's easy. Melody accepted me for who I am. She didn't judge me or try to change me. Sure, she would challenge me, but only to be the best me I could be. I will always love her for that.

Day 22 – Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.

I know that it is expected that the something I would choose for this answer was something I had some control over or some choice I had made, but it's not. The thing I wish I hadn't done is something that was beyond my control.

I wish I hadn't fallen 2½ years ago. I don't know how it happened but the result of that split second is that my life got turned upside down. I'm still dealing with the aftereffects, both physical and psychological. Eventually, I will be grateful that it happened and forced a change in my life.

Day 21 – (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?

There's really no question what I would do. I would be by her side, begging for forgiveness, offering and doing whatever she needed. I do mean anything. If she needed my blood or any body parts, I would gladly give them to her. If she needed me to change her bed pan, help her bathe, help her walk, hold her head up so that she could have a drink, I would be there for her.

Day 20 – Your views on drugs and alcohol.

Everything in moderation. While I don't personally use recreational drugs, I see no problem with someone having the occasional joint/spliff/dube whatever it is you call marijuana. Anything harder, however, should be kept for medicinal purposes. I have seen cocaine ruin some people's lives.

Alcohol is something I seem to have a different view on that most people I know. Most people drink just to get drunk. I am the kind of person who will have a cocktail or a glass of wine just for the taste and I usually stop at one … maybe two. Sure, I used to get drunk when I was younger and I did very irresponsible things while I was drunk. That is one of the biggest reasons that I no longer do that.

Day 19 – What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?

I think that religion is what is left when spirituality has left the building. Everyone has their own relationship with the divine. Whether you call it God, Allah, Yahweh,Jehovah, Hecate, Odin, Freya, Osiris, the Flying Spaghetti Monster or the Great Purple Funky Chicken in the Sky … we are all referring to the same thing.

Politics usually makes me angry. More time is spent casting dispersions on the “other guy” rather than clearly answering questions and stating positions on issues. Politics also serve to polarize the people rather than bring them together.

Day 18 – Your views on gay marriage.

I fully support gay marriage. I think that everyone should have the right to marry the person they love. I know gay people who are married (it's legal here in Canada). The world hasn't fallen apart because they pledged their love to one another.

Day 17 – A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.

I can't think of any books I've read that have changed my views on something. I have, however, read books that give me a deeper understanding of what life was like for people in certain situations.

The most recent book of this kinds that I've read was Hard Passage by Arthur Kroeger. It tells the story of his family's life as Russian Mennonites from their beginnings in czarist Russia, through World War I, the Russian Revolution, their immigration to Canada and their struggles to get established in a new country during the drought and depression. I found this book fascinating as my ancestors were also Russian Mennonites but my family immigrated to Canada prior to World War I from a different colony about 200 km upriver. It's strange, but the older you get the more you want to know your family's history. This book helped me understand some aspects of my own history.

Day 16 – Someone or something you definitely could live without.

I could definitely live without the “Big Brother” aspect in my life. The problem when it's and insurance company paying for my disability is that I have a “daily activities calendar” to a rehabilitation coordinator. I have to report what I'm doing every hour of the “work day”. I resent having to justify my existence to someone else.

This person is also rather gung-ho on the idea of “setting goals”. For most people this might be a great idea; but, when you've grown up having your life turned upside down every few months (moving to a different house, going to a different school, getting a great big influx of new family) you learn that setting goals is setting yourself up for stress and disappointment. I have found that it is much simpler to live each day as it comes.

"Try and enjoy the here and now, the future will take care of itself somehow. The grass is never greener over there." - Howard Jones from the song Life in One Day

Day 15 – Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.

Call me a crazy cat lady if you want, but I need to have feline companion in my life. Ever since I left home permanently, I have needed a cat in my life. I have only lived for brief periods without one because I was mourning the passing of a beloved fur child. Within a few months I would begin seeking a new one to fill the void. I've been told that it's because I have too much love in my heart and I need a feline to release some of that love.

No, I don't have dozens of cats like some crazy cat ladies. Right now there are two occupying my home … which is the most I've ever had. We rescued Squishy from a home in which she was very unhappy – there were too many other animals there and she was miserable. We took in Mr Man when his previous owner was dying and he needed a new forever home. Before you ask, no, I don't dress them up in little outfits or drive them around in baby carriages or anything like that. I merely share my home with them and love them for each of their individual personalities.

Day 14 – A hero that has let you down (letter).

I wouldn't necessarily call this person a hero, but I did respect him. I choose not to use his real name lest things become litigious; therefore, I shall dispense with the salutation and just go into the body of the letter.

We butted heads many times when we were first getting to know each other – a battle of wills, one just as strong as the other. Eventually, you learned to trust that I knew what I was doing. You even told me you had my back and for a time that was true.

It deeply saddens me that it is no longer true. You started listening to the naysayers and lost faith in me. When I needed you to have my back, you let me down. I was left to fend for myself against insurmountable odds. I never used to understand it when people said something like “I'm not angry, just really disappointed”. I get it now. I am extremely disappointed in you.

Day 13 – A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days (write a letter).

Dear Erykah Badu,

Your album Baduizm helped me keep as calm as possible during a time when my life was out of my control. I was fighting for my life against a massive infection and was in and out of the hospital every few hours for a couple of weeks. It was very stressful but the mellow groove of your music helped keep me from freaking out too much. Thank you.

Dear Lawrence Gowan,

I've been a fan of yours since you first release Strange Animal over 20 years ago. It's your album … but you can call me Larry that has helped me through some very difficult times more than once in my life. It will continue to be important to me until I, too, am Dancing on My Own Ground again. I thank you for that.

Dear Stevie Wonder,

What can I say? Your upbeat and positive music never fails to lift my spirits. I've listened to it pretty much all of my life. Thank you.

Day 12 – Something you never get compliments on.

My willingness to go above and beyond the call of duty – to go the extra mile – never garners compliments. Granted, I have not done so in the past year because I've been on disability, but when I was working that aspect of my personality was definitely under-appreciated. In fact, it pretty much became expected of me. People knew I would sacrifice my time and energy to make sure that everyone else's job was easier, but not once did anyone show any appreciation for my efforts.

Day 11 – Something people seem to compliment you the most on.

The thing I get the most compliments on is my quick wit and sense of humor. Even in my darkest times, I never lose my ability to laugh.

Day 10 - Someone you need to let go or wish you didn’t know.

It would be redundant of me to answer this with the psychopath who made my life a living hell, so I will choose a different answer.

I need to let go of the majority of people I used to work with. I once considered most of them as friends; I know differently now. I can count the number of them that were truly my friends on the fingers of one hand. To the rest I am persona non grata. The utter lack of compassion astounds me because I was always there for anyone who needed a hug or a shoulder to lean on. When I needed the same, well … cue the crickets and tumbleweeds. I was left to twist in the wind. That being said, I am trying to forgive them and chalk it up to experience … lesson learned.

Day 09 – Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.

I don't think I really have a specific answer for this one. You see, I've spent a great deal of my life moving from one place to another – rarely by choice. This means I've also spent a great deal of my life as “the new kid” at school, in neighborhoods, or at jobs. So, many people have drifted into and out of my life.

I do have a tendency to form very deep attachments to people while they are in my life which makes it all the more difficult when it's time to let them go. I don't really believe people when they say “We'll keep in touch” because my experience is that it simply won't happen. I try for a while to maintain contact, but relationships are a two way street. If the other person isn't willing to make an effort to keep in touch, I will let them drift away.

Day 08 – Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.

There is a certain psychopath who treated me like shit and made my life hell. She still manages to make my life hell, even though I haven't set eyes on her in a year. The way she treated me traumatized me. The day I met her she told me she had seen someone have a nervous breakdown and I mistakenly thought she was telling me this out of well meaning concern. I should have taken it as a warning that I was next.

She betrayed my confidence, spread malicious lies, bullied me and was practically giddy if I happened to make the slightest mistake. Why didn't anyone stop her or believe me when I tried to tell my side of the story? Because, she's a psychopath. Whenever there were witnesses, she was over the top sweet and perky (picture a kindergarten teacher on speed). When no one was looking, however, she attacked me like a rottweiler on a kitten. There was no way she would back off until I was sobbing uncontrollably and made to feel as though I were something lower than what you would scrape off your shoe.

One day, karma will catch up to her and she will get her just desserts.

Day 07 – Someone who has made your life worth living for.

My best friend makes my life worth living. She is my Annam Cara, my soul friend. There are no words to adequately express how much I love her and need her. We've been there for each other through good times and bad; carry on complete conversations no one else would understand; and dissolve each other into fits of giggles with just a word or two. In the past few years she has also become my caregiver with little to no complaint. She is the reason I have the strength to carry on. You know I love you, Nin. I always will.

Day 06 – Something you hope you never have to do.

I hope I never have to bury my best friend. I would be completely lost without her.

Day 05 – Something you hope to do in your life.

I hope to travel through Europe. I want to see the lands of Eastern Europe where my ancestors dwelled and soak up the history. I want the stand in the sacred circles of stone in Britain and feel their vibrations … I want to touch Stonehenge.

I was born and raised in the Prairie provinces of Canada. While I'm proud to be Canadian and I love Alberta, it lacks the thousands of layers of human history that Europe, Asia and Africa have. I'm not disregarding the history of the Native Americans; even they can't tell you what life was like a thousand years ago in the Bow River Valley. If you are a paleontologist or geologist, Alberta is heaven for you. We have rock strata and fossils galore. When it comes to human history, though, there is not much recorded prior to the latter half of the nineteenth century.

Day 04 – Something you have to forgive someone for.

You would think with the things I've posted thus far that my answer would be that I have to forgive those who abused me. I don't know that I can or will ever be able to do that.

The thing I really need to forgive someone for is losing faith in me. Instead of believing in me and trusting me based on the years we knew each other, this person listened to the malicious lies of the psychopath who was bullying me. It's possible that I also need to forgive them for allowing the bullying, although I'm fairly sure that they would disavow all knowledge that I was being bullied. It's the losing faith in me and not believing my cries for help that still bothers me the most. I hope that one day I will be able to find it in my heart to forgive this person … today's just not that day.

Day 03 – Something you have to forgive yourself for.

I have to forgive myself for allowing myself to be abused and for not getting out of a bad situation before I was too damaged. Does that make any sense? I know, I know … the person being abused is not the one at fault; but, the thing with psychological abuse is that there is no tangible evidence left behind. By the time I realized what was happening, the damage had already been done. Part of me feels that if I had just recognized that I was being abused sooner and put a stop to what was happening, or walked away from situation sooner, I wouldn't be in the state I'm in.

Hindsight is 20/20 and I can't change the past. All I can really do is learn from what has happened and use that to become a stronger person. I also realize that everything that has happened to me and everything that will happen to me plays a part in who I am … and I am a pretty amazing woman. I've just hit a really big speed bump in my life that is going to take a little while to get over. Everything will be okay and that light at the end of the tunnel is not the headlight of an oncoming train. I have to believe that.

Day 02 – Something you love about yourself.

 That's easy … there are two things I love about myself:

1. My unswerving belief that – no matter how bad things are – things will get better. I know it's unusual for someone who has battled depression most of her life to be so optimistic, but I never claimed to be normal.
2. I love the fact that I think for myself. So many people hear things and don't bother to ask themselves “is that really true?” before they get outraged and/or paranoid and perpetuate baseless rumors That's the thing about the internet, anyone can post anything. After all, I could post a rumor that I have George Clooney tied to my bed, acting as my love slave … that doesn't make it true. People need to learn to stop and think. Perhaps you should find independent confirmation from a legitimate new source before getting all in a tither about things. Perhaps it's my lot in life to constantly be the one who calls “bullsh*t”.

Day 01 – Something you hate about yourself.

Just one thing? Unfortunately, while I'm in the severely depressed state I'm in, there is no shortage of self-loathing. I hate that I have become so dependent on others, I hate that I have become the victim in my own life, and I hate that I have allowed myself to get to this state. Hopefully, these things are just temporary.

For the long term, there are two things I hate about myself.

1. My borderline phobic relationship with telephones. It's not that I can't use them, I can make a call if I really need to and I can answer the phone when I have to. It's just for some reason I have to psych myself up and force myself to make phone calls. Somehow, it's incredibly difficult for me to communicate in this manner. I've tried working as a telemarketer and as a receptionist in an effort to dispel my issues with the telephone; somehow, the issue still remains. I don't really understand it and I don't imagine that I ever will.

2. I hate that I am not assertive enough. Despite all my wisecracking and false bravado, I'm a doormat. I don't stand up for myself the way I should. This has, unfortunately, made me a bully magnet. The rare time I do try and stand up for myself or defend myself, I get accused of being a bully myself … usually by the people who are bullying me. I'm working on becoming more assertive but you can't change a lifetime of conditioning overnight.

How's that for honesty?

30 Days of Truth

In response to Em's challenge, I'm going to give it a try.
I just hope I have the courage to answer all of these:

Day 01 – Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 – Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 – Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 – Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 – Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 – Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 – Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 – Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 – Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 - Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 – Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 – Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 – A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 – A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 – Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 – Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 – A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 – Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 – What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 – Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 – (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 – Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 – Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 – Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 – The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 – Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 – What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 – What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 – Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 – A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself.

Hello World!

Well, here I am. I finally joined the world of blogging. Why? I'm not really sure. Perhaps it's just to get my thoughts and opinions out there ... or perhaps it's just a form of therapy. I don't really have any expectations that anyone is going to follow me or that anyone cares to hear what I may/may not have to say.

While I was writing this post, I received a call from a telemarketer. I understand that they are just doing their jobs, but they really irritate me. I tell them that I'm not interested and they just keep talking. "May I ask why you are not interested, ma'am?" Why? Because I'm having beef stroganoff for dinner. What does that have to do with anything? Absolutely nothing. Of course, it doesn't really matter what you say to these people, they just keep talking and for some reason, they try to make you feel as though you have to justify yourself to them. You don't. "Don't you want to save money?" I'm having beef stroganoff for dinner. "Wouldn't you like to have your services bundled into one easy bill?" I'm having beef stroganoff for dinner. Try it. Give them an answer that is not on their script. If nothing else, you will annoy them as much as they are annoying you. :D